teenage sex

well here was the way I gasped at the moon, do you remember how I howled at the stars it was very difficult breathing, I had forgotten because it had been some time–well anyway, down there from the ground it looked like the sky was covered in lace, through the lace of leaves of the trees twinkling things, showing the sky was lighter than leaves–lighter than leaves!–yes, there, the pale navy and twinkling things through the dark–dark!–lace of the leaves–and I remember thinking, God, it’s so beautiful, god, it’s so beautiful–and gasping, digging my nails into your back–well, I guess I remember that–I mean, don’t you–don’t you remember howling in the woods the backyard well did–did you get to see the sky, anyway, actually, since you were looking down I mean–you must have seen the dirt, the deep rich earth must have gotten under your finger nails I saw the next morning–and you were breathing in the dust, I think, and I the clean air the sky well–well no I don’t quite mean to paint it that way, I mean– do you remember the smell of it, clean, I keep wanting to say clean, it’s because it was raining, earlier, the promise about to burst forth from the clouds and so this scent of rain, and fresh, and clean–but it didn’t, that’s why we were there, I think, somehow we got there, I don’t quite remember how it’s all a bit fuzzy and I ought to have apologized for that later –and earlier too, and something, but–but anyway, what I remember–what I remember was that it was beautiful, god, it was beautiful, I remember that, and your skin, and scent and no horror, no, no stupidity, no, just, skin, yours and mine and sweat and the sky and the scent of rain and the ground, cold, chilly, it was chilly I remember afterwards, you pressing your body–no, not the rest of it but that, well yes, that I remember and it was only supposed to be for one night so–so whatcha do that for, going on and getting in my head no you don’t belong there you weren’t meant to go there anywhere else–god does that sound awful, anywhere else, I mean I just I mean no see–see, I love the way it is, at night, in a foreign place, the sky the scent of rain and people, I really really I do I love people and open and bare like the sky the sky was open like we were and something the moment I guess and something well ripe the moment I guess we ripe and the moment, rip the moment–see, I’ve never been one for–I just–transient adventure, well, I love adventure and I like the clean scent of night before rain and something about mountains, and transient well it’s permanency intimacy legitimacy that jazz it’s frightening you know?–and about hands and–do you know how decisions get made? How do decisions get made?–instant decisions and I don’t know, well, you–you were there, and I was, and–well it was only supposed to be one night, whatcha do that for, try to get to know me, to get through me? Aren’t you satisfied with the lace of the leaves and the scent of dirt and just some other girl–you know that, right, I really am just some other girl–isn’t that what you–I mean–I’m just some other girl, a name a memory an idea nothing more I don’t say that to be dramatic I say that because it’s the truth it is, it is, I’m just a, name stain, I will only stain your life for so long I’m already fading, see, first it’s my name then my face and then gone, see, because there are were will be countless other gorgeous–weren’t you satisfied with the crisp air and the silence, oh I forgot about that, slick grass and dew and crickets aside that light, sweet silence just like the air sweet and silent–but back, back to satisfaction–god, god, satisfaction!–so weren’t, weren’t you satisfied with the night and the lace and–won’t you go off on your burning, burning trail, backpack slung over your shoulder, beer in one hand, cigarettes in your pockets aren’t you waiting for more adventures to slink up beside you and tickle your nose and laugh robust and loud and all of it, all of it– I just picture you humming down some road or is it a greyhound on the highway I–you know, you’re going to get to New York, you’re going to get to that great big glamorous city and it’s going to swallow you whole and you are going to kiss its wet insides and I don’t know, man, you might never come back–I’m so positive, that you loved, love it all, all of everything and so, that’s what I picture when–and some girl, like the wind strong and light and graceful all at the same time and burning, too, because, see you, you, you burn too I’m almost positive and–I–it’s not me, the girl I mean, I, I was just, see, it’s just–see–I have no powers of articulation, really, I just, I’m no good at getting close to people really it has always terrified me even though I love people, I said that didn’t I and it’s true I do and/it’s because/ people are like pomegranates, I said that once to Joe and Rachel and they laughed but see, it’s true because you see someone and are like, they’re a cool-lookin’ fruit–but then you get to know them, they open up and all of a sudden you gasp because it’s beautiful, the inside of a pomegranate–a glittering myriad of red gems bursting and gleaming, an intricate, beautiful star-studded maze, so many rubies–I mean the skin is bitter, but–the seeds, man, those seeds, I could eat them by the dozens, secret-not-so-secret confession, I love pomegranate seeds)–but I mean, do you see what I mean, that’s why I like people and well, you’re a pomegranate too, but I don’t–I’m not about–would it be weird to say eat you? swallow you like that, let the juice trickle down my chin, wipe you off on my shirt and chew, slowly and quickly and savor like wine the flavor deep and spiced but–enough with imagery, man, what is it with words and fuck these powers of articulation man I mean, god, why do I say man and god and dude I just–I guess I’m trying to–well I’m just me, you know, just me, and that was–did you expect this? want it? I–why, why, I keep writing fucking ‘I’, I’m so selfish, I’m only talking about me but you–you, you you you, you are what matters, you–were there, are here now and I, I don’t know a thing, about what you saw and how you felt and why the hell you wanted–well, what do you want anyway, pray tell?–because I–I can only see swimming cities something about rumors and things that were said about you but hearing you tell it is different because it’s you and–you know what I like about you? I like how honest you are, and how you take a gamble–you gamble, you said it once, at casinos, see I remember, I was paying attention I was interested oh–you just go off across the country see and do a million zillion incredible–and talk to some girl and then–you–I only know about you, I don’t know you and I–am trying to explain myself the truth is I don’t really know myself (all that well I mean well– you would say, I’m sure you’d say–nobody does, but–see you’re so honest, and so good, I see why–just like the wind, strong–did I mention how much I love the wind, I said that was my counterpart in nature once, it was round a fire with two drunks semi-in-love but mostly just vain, and drunk, and something but I said no not earth not fire wind but why am I–I don’t know why you gambled and what you–I got it all wrong. I did, didn’t I? And now I’m writing this and my house is fuming with curry and it’s stormy out but–I don’t think it’s to apologize–it isn’t–well–it is, but not–you want to know something? Every single text made me smile. I was always happy to receive them. And that’s why I got–which is why–I’m glad. I’m glad you wrote to me and persisted and I’m happy I got to see, if only a glimpse, maybe, if that, but–your pomegranate innards, always more beautiful and complicated than we expect them to be and–I’ve grown to like you, and what you say, even if it’s not you and–and–and well, just–what I’m doing–I’m–afraid, okay, afraid, and that’s–and I’m confused, too, because–well I just keep getting it wrong, don’t I, but I don’t know anything, do I, about you/this/us this is all just speculation and internal monologue and letters unsent and–aren’t I just–wasn’t that just–don’t you–aren’t you–I do this thing where I tuck everything back and then put it gently, carefully away and consider it done but you’re–full of stringy seams, you know, now, I mean, does that make sense–I mean, it’s because I’m afraid, see, so I–subconsciously, as a a defense mechanism, I guess I’m trying to–I mean what are you trying to do? I’m trying to understand–I mean I think I understand, but that makes it no less–and here I am, writing this, I don’t know why I’m writing all this as though I could–I mean I hope–I do want you to read it, actually–but don’t, too, but–well mostly, I–okay, here’s how I see you, saw, or–just someone with a story, isn’t it, isn’t it always like that?–and a good one at that but that’s all I knew and expected I–okay, you’re not what I expected, but–but that’s a good thing, right?–and maybe this means nothing, just–lace of the leaves and–I don’t know what I’m doing, so if I do anything wrong forgive me, can you be clear with me? please? because you like the scent of the mountains and skin, no? and– who are you, and why–why are you bothering? I am not worth–I should call you, call you now–I will, as the storm thunders round me now, so far away from Pittsburgh–I’ll call you and I won’t ask but I’ll listen for an answer. And when I go off to Spain, be here, won’t you? Even if you go to the city, write me? Even if I was just a mouthful of dust, now–now, now, now—can’t we? Well–